HOLY CHRIST ON A CRACKER.
Valentine’s Day is in a mere TWO DAYS. Do you care? We do because we’re playing two shows that night, but also because most of us are in committed relationships. Anyway, If you ALSO care about Valentine’s Day, but are hung up on what perfect gift to get your perfect someone, never fear… McClean is here.
As a happy single lady who rarely has to purchase presents for a significant other, I know exactly what *I* would want for Valentine’s Day. And if it’s not clear from my choice of rings and rock n roll pose in the above picture, I have exquisite taste. So sit back, relax, light yer pipe and get out your debit card.
1) A MASSAGE, DUH.
And not by you, Dog Bless Ya. A professional. The great news is, you don’t have to spend ninety thousand dollars on a day spa experience. Don’t let me stop you though, if that’s within your financial means because that is a sweet gift, but if you are spending your last $40 on your partner, even a 30 minute massage is an amazing experience. I have two friends who do massage in Minneapolis and are freakin’ fantastic at it: Ellie Hino with Care Therapeutic Massage and Dan Marlow at Marlow’s Massage. I’ve personally been massaged by both of them and now you have a choice between a lady and a dude because I know some people care about that.
2) A VIBRATOR… DUH
We in the Twin Cities know all about Smitten Kitten. It’s Uptown Minneapolis’ own super-progressive sex store, a la Babeland in NYC. All the toys are made of non-toxic, ethically-produced materials and they have amazingly knowledgable customer service. Well, lucky for the rest of the world, you can find them online and the FIRST vibrator for sale is only $10. That’s amazing! This one is more expensive, but Smitten Kitten has loads of toys, accessories, and tools for all budgets:
3. A DATE WITH HER DREAM CELEBRITY, PAUL RUDD.
4) A CLONE OF HERSELF SO THAT ONE CAN DO SHOWS AND THE OTHER GETS TO SEE LIZZO OPEN FOR SLEATER-KINNEY AT FIRST AVE
Yes, fine, I understand that getting a date with Paul Rudd is going to be impossible, but if all else fails and you find yourself at a CVS with no other options but giant white teddy bears… Swipes Lovin’ Wipes. I’m for serious:
Well, and maybe at least a flower and a Snickers bar.
Happy Valentine’s Day!